I am fat. I lack grace. I am awkward. I am immature. I am selfish. I am childish. I am disappointed. I am stuck.I am depressed. I am not confident or comfortable in my own skin. I lack the one quality that people find most attractive; I lack a sureness in myself. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to feel happy with myself, with who I am, with the reflection in the mirror.
I didn't always feel this way. I used to exert such beauty, such confidence and pride in who I am and in all the hard work I have put in to better myself. I used to glow. I used to be proud of my accomplishments. I have diminished myself to a number on a scale. A number that has continuously grown over the last 2 years. A number that is now almost the largest it has ever been. I need to change. But I need hope. I need strength to foster that change. I need help. I need to feel like myself again. I have a deadline looming in the future. I need to lose 25 pounds by then. And that number seems so large so out of reach and so incomprehensible. I worked so hard before my wedding day to lose these exact same 26 pounds. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to go back there. To be this person again. Nothing good can come from this. I need to change. But I need hope and confidence and strength in order to make that change a reality.
I so often feel judged and so devalued and seen only for my flaws. How can that be? How can all that is good and pure and lovely that is buried somewhere under all this mess, go completely unseen and unacknowledged?
I suppose there is really no point to this blog. Just to let this out. Just so I can hopefully focus on a goal and escape this trapped notion that this is the only emotion, the only reflection I will ever see. Will I be able to do this again? Will I find the strength I once had? Or will I remain buried under this fat, insecure version of myself? Will I escape this self-loathing that has consumed every part of me?
I hope so...
