Acceptance

I think we spend most of our lives searching for acceptance. Some are lucky enough to find that acceptance in their parents, siblings, teachers, friends,  spouses, children, even pets. Some of us are left wondering where we belong? Where we fit? Who can we crawl to and feel completely accepted for all our flaws, all our mistakes, all our short comings? Who can we embrace and detect no animosity, no judgment? 

I have been searching for that acceptance my whole life...some days I find it quite easily. Some days it seems so far out of reach that the memory of a time when I felt appreciated, accepted, welcomed, seems like a distant, vague dream. 

I think the point of all this is to not find that acceptance in others but to somehow find it in yourself. That's my goal. That's what this journey is all about. Someday I know I will reach it. Someday...but not today...

Hoping for this hatred to escape me

I am fat. I lack grace. I am awkward. I am immature. I am selfish. I am childish. I am disappointed. I am stuck.I am depressed. I am not confident or comfortable in my own skin. I lack the one quality that people find most attractive; I lack a sureness in myself. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to feel happy with myself, with who I am, with the reflection in the mirror.

I didn't always feel this way. I used to exert such beauty, such confidence and pride in who I am and in all the hard work I have put in to better myself. I used to glow. I used to be proud of my accomplishments. I have diminished myself to a number on a scale. A number that has continuously grown over the last 2 years. A number that is now almost the largest it has ever been. I need to change. But I need hope. I need strength to foster that change. I need help. I need to feel like myself again. I have a deadline looming in the future. I need to lose 25 pounds by then. And that number seems so large so out of reach and so incomprehensible. I worked so hard before my wedding day to lose these exact same 26 pounds. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to go back there. To be this person again. Nothing good can come from this. I need to change. But I need hope and confidence and strength in order to make that change a reality.

I so often feel judged and so devalued and seen only for my flaws. How can that be? How can all that is good and pure and lovely that is buried somewhere under all this mess, go completely unseen and unacknowledged? 

I suppose there is really no point to this blog. Just to let this out. Just so I can hopefully focus on a goal and escape this trapped notion that this is the only emotion, the only reflection I will ever see. Will I be able to do this again? Will I find the strength I once had? Or will I remain buried under this fat, insecure version of myself? Will I escape this self-loathing that has consumed every part of me?

I hope so...

Finding Balance

Ok...I am new at this. I have never blogged before. But my initial thought was this could be a sort of online diary where I could find a place to express myself and hopefully heal myself and others with this cathartic process. So lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts and emotions; aspects of my life that I want to change. So I want to jot some things down on paper and see how I feel about them once they are out there for all the world to see.

First: Anxiety
For some reason over the past 6 months I have been experiencing some major anxiety. I find myself jumping to conclusions, telling myself that the worse case scenario will come to pass and breaking down over events that have not yet occurred.  I don't really understand where this came from. So in order to thwart this line of thought I am implementing a philosophy: Don't live your life in fear of what may come, instead enjoy the moment as it is, in the present, and if for some reason the outcome is negative then we will deal with that when the time is appropriate. I have found that my previous disadvantageous line of thought was not only ruining milestones or precious family moments for myself but for those around me as well. And simply put, this shit's gotta stop. So it's time take this anxiety on with full force and learn from the countless examples in my life (my marriage, my family, my friends, my home, my world, myself) are strong enough to deal with what may come and be better off and more at peace because of the obstacles we have over come.

So I am going to take this empowered line of thought and run with it in the hopes that a change is gonna come.